Home: origins and destinations
origins and destinations
I sit here, waiting for you to finish your work, and I find myself pondering the ways in which I find myself here. Not in the bookstore, where I've just bought 2 magazines while waiting, but here at this point in my life. To quote the Grateful Dead - "What a long strange road it's been".
In high school, I was the quintessential nice guy. Friend to all the girls, wary of all the guys. I didn't make many friends, and ended up watching the girls I knew go through the throes of romance. Time and again, I'd see them go out with other guys, only to either be treated badly, or to find no satisfaction in their choice of the month. Somehow, I was never given serious consideration. So, when I met my future wife, things moved quickly.
I vividly remember the first blatently kinky picture I ever saw. It was in a Penthouse magazine that I'd found hidden in the basement. My father had obviously hidden it there, along with a cache of other "men's magazines" like Playboy and Topper. The picture was of a lovely young woman, lying back on a bed, with a rope tied around one wrist. Her other wrist, and ankles were off-camera, but her limbs were positioned to suggest that they were also bound. The expression on her face was a mixture of wanton arousal and defiance.
The picture had an electric effect on me. I remember thinking about the woman, and wondering what the photo shoot had been like. I wondered, endlessly, if she actually had been tied to a bed, as was suggested by the photo. What was it like for her, to lie there, helpless, while a man took photographs of her? Did she enjoy herself? Did he enjoy himself? Who did the tying? And how many people were at the photoshoot?
Of course, I had more personal thoughts as well. I wondered what it would be like to have a woman tied like that in front of me. I wondered what she would do if I started touching her, teasing her. This was a natural train of thought for a frustrated, shy teenager. Instead of finding it within myself to talk to a girl my own age with romantic intent, I fantasized about removing the choice from a beautiful girl, and showing her exactly what she had been missing by not considering me as a potential partner.
When my marriage ended, I faced a clean slate, more or less. I was sexually experienced, and I'd spent the better part of a decade supressing my fantasies of bondage and more. In my newly single state, I had an opportunity to make a different choice.
I wonder if a casual reader of these letters can appreciate the precipice I looked over at that point. On the one hand, I had a wealth of experience in a (mostly) vanilla marriage. I'd had many heart to heart talks with my ex-wife during the period before our marriage fell apart. During these talks, I learned that in her opinion I was a despicable pervert, not fit to be left alone with his daughter. Imagine my surprise at finding this out about myself. Especially since it was completely wrong.
On the other hand, I had the opinions of other people in my life, from close friends to medical professionals, who told me that my interests and fantasies were either normal, or at least not exceptional. I had to choose between denying an interest that was deeper than I'd realized, or indulging in behaviour that would scandalize many of my friends and most of my family, should they ever learn of it.
I decided to do some reading, and find out who else was out there, and what kind of things they were interested in. Thank god for the internet, eh? I started reading newsgroups, starting with soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm. I'd been reading stories in the newsgroups for years, but this was different. This was messages written by people in real relationships, trying to figure out the same things as I was trying figure out. Reading the messages posted there, by men and women, Dominant and submissive, helped me to feel that I wasn't so strange. Of course, you get to wade through a lot of crap trying to read the newsgroups now, thanks to spam, but there was a lot of good information there.
Fortified by the knowledge I'd read there, especially in the FAQ file composed by helpful people in the group, I ventured back into the world of dating. After going out with a few different women, trying to get a feel for what it was like for people in my situation, I found a partner that seemed to be a good fit.
We'd been dating for a while, and things were progressing in a pleasant direction, when she asked me if I had any "other" interests. Crossing my fingers, I told her about my interest in bondage, and waited for her to pull back, if not to go screaming into the night. I was surprised, and pleased, when she told me that she'd always been interested in it, but never tried it. A lot of baggage was cleared up in the next few months, for both of us, and we had a lot of fun experiences.
These days, it's a lot easier to get information on BDSM and the various kinks associated with it. It's a lot easier to meet people with similar intersts, too. A few months ago, just before I met you, my darling angel, I started chatting with a woman that I'd met on LavaLife. Now, I know that a lot of kinky people are somewhat disdainful of LavaLife, but I think it's a good place to meet people. Odds are that the people you meet there aren't going to be too far from "the mainstream". Although I'm kinky, I have no interest in sharing my sexuality with everyone I meet. KV had written in her profile that she was interested in being sexually submissive, and I was asking her about what kind of things she'd tried before.
It turned out that she had no real experience with submission, and was feeling a little uncomfortable about the whole idea. She was definitely interested in it, but she was conflicted by the idea. In her day to day life, she's a professional, having to make decisions and direct other people from the time she starts work in the morning, till the time she stops at night. The idea of being submissive, of being told what to do, of being forced to stop and enjoy herself, because she had no other choice, was immensely appealing to her. But the idea that as a modern woman, she should be respected, be in control of herself, of her body, and not be treated as a sex object was in conflict with these interests.
During one of our phone calls, I had KV go look at the Bondage.com and directed her to a number of different places on the site. Bondage.com is a wonderful resource for the kinky adult. It has a good collection of stories, a wonderful gallery of photos, and best of all, it puts you in touch with other kinky people. KV was intrigued, to say the least, and I had her set up a submissive profile on the site.
I directed KV to look at a number of different sites over the next few weeks, and gradually, I could see her becoming much more comfortable with the idea that she had a kinky streak. I was enjoying myself, of course, because the whole process was like an extended seduction. She would ask me questions, and I'd either answer immediately, or direct her to a website after a short search. I'd describe something to her, and listen to her reaction. I introduced her to different activities, and listened to her as she struggled with the conflict between her sensibilities, and her attraction.
Three things happened along the way, however, that changed the relationship between us. First, I came to view her as a student - someone to help and guide, but not someone to seduce. Second, she realized that while the idea of being submissive was intriguing, the idea of being dominant was much more attractive. And third, I met you, my darling angel, and all thoughts of being with anyone else seemed to pale.
So now, according to KV, I've created a monster. She's created a dominant profile on Bondage.com, she's gone out on dates with submissive men, and she's happier and more comfortable with her sexuality. I still talk to her, because along the way, she's become a friend. But I've only got eyes for you, angel. Eyes, and rope, and cuffs, and other toys.
I'm incredibly lucky to have found you, angel. I miss you and I look forward to being with you again very soon.
posted at 07:09 PM ::
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